The Breakup Broker's Guide to Surviving Divorce Real Estate on Disrupting Divorce Podcast
You don't know what you don't know when you're going through divorce. And when it comes to real estate, that unknown can be one of the most anxiety-inducing parts of the entire process.
In this episode of Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women, host and certified divorce financial analyst Rhonda Noordyk sits down with Amy Slate, The Breakup Broker, for a feel-good and refreshingly honest conversation about what it really looks like to navigate housing decisions in the middle of a divorce. Amy brings both the professional expertise of eight years in real estate and the personal experience of going through her own divorce in 2024, and the combination makes for one of the most practical and genuinely heartfelt conversations on the topic you'll find anywhere.
They cover the three buckets every divorcing person needs to think through when deciding what to do with the family home, why neutrality and documentation are non-negotiable when two spouses are involved, what to actually look for when vetting a real estate agent, and why writing your agent's name into the marital settlement agreement might be one of the smartest moves you can make. Plus, Amy shares the one quote she comes back to on the hardest days, and it's a good one.
Transcript:
Rhonda: Hey friend, thank you so much for joining me for another episode of Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women. I'm your host, Rhonda Noordyk. I'm a huge financial advocate for women going through divorce. When I'm not recording a podcast, facilitating my Signature Bridge Program, or strategizing with women one on one, you'll find me in the gym watching my three teenage daughters play sports.
One of the biggest challenges going through divorce is you don't know what you don't know. So I want to ask the tough questions so that you get the answers that you need. This episode has been sponsored by the Women's Financial Wellness Center. To learn more, go to wfwcdivorce.com.
Now let's get started. Welcome to another episode. I just love being able to interview really great people. One of the biggest things we hear about the podcast, because we've been doing this for almost seven years, is how great the guests are and the practical takeaways. Yes, we're talking about something that's really heavy, but we bring a little bit of humor, some fun, some practical, all the while talking about the reality of what people are feeling.
That's a really great segue, because Amy Slate is the Breakup Broker. Today we're going to be talking about real estate and all the things related to that. Amy, I want to welcome you to my show.
Amy: Thanks for having me.
Rhonda: So talk to us a little bit about your experience and why you are the Breakup Broker. What led you to this point today?
Amy: That is a twisty, turny story. I'm in my eighth year of real estate. I am based in Greater Boston, also licensed in Florida. But last year, spring of 2024, I was unpleasantly surprised with a divorce by my soon-to-be ex-husband and quickly had to gather my life, move back to Massachusetts from Florida, and just reestablish myself closer to friends and family and begin thinking about rebuilding my business. I was now the only game in town, the only paycheck. It was all on me.
Simultaneously, I was in Facebook groups and divorce support groups where I was hearing women's concerns and frustrations, and so much of it revolved around the real estate piece. Do I sell my house? How do I sell my house? Do I have to sell my house? Should I rent? All these unknowns. And I could feel the struggle and the stress coming from them, because as someone who does this for a living, my own housing situation was super stressful to me. Real estate layered on top of divorce. The amount of stress was just gargantuan. And so I really started feeling for these women. And then one day I was like, this is it. This is what I'm going to do. I can be a resource and a support person, provide knowledge, consult with them, and get them through this super complicated and stressful situation. And The Breakup Broker was born.
Rhonda: I love it. And the other piece of it is we've been able to partner for you to be the concierge real estate expert. So for those of you listening who are like, "Oh yeah, I need to find somebody," Amy can help you. She can help you vet the real estate agent you're working with in your area, point you in the right direction, and make sure you've got what you need. A lot of times people are like, "I don't even know where to start." Amy is a great place to start.
Along those lines, I know a lot of people ask me about rental properties. Maybe they own multiple properties in multiple states. Talk to us a little bit about your experience in that arena.
Amy: Yes, to further complicate the divorce process. When you own multiple properties across multiple states and even in Europe, thinking about how do we divide that, who sells what, who's the real estate agent, all the parts and pieces can be super stressful. And even while owning them, who gets to collect the rent? Who's paying the mortgage? When you have just the family home, it's more or less clear-cut. When you've got all these extraneous things, you're like, how do we sort this all out? And depending on how contentious or amicable you are, that can take on different shapes.
Understanding the investment property world really helps me when I come across divorcing people who are like, "But we have this place that's our vacation home that we also Airbnb, so it's an investment. What do we do with that?" Or the flip side, which you and I have talked about a lot, is women who, once the dust on the divorce has settled, have a chunk of money and are afraid to dabble in investment properties. I'm here to tell you: you can do it. I don't fix toilets, don't get me wrong, but I can call a plumber. I know the things to do, I know the pitfalls, and it's not as scary as people think. It can also be super lucrative. And as a woman, it's super empowering to know that you've got an asset generating income for you.
Rhonda: I love that. It reminds me of a client I worked with about five or six years ago who decided to buy a duplex. We crunched the numbers, worked with a real estate agent, and at the end of the day it was an opportunity for her to purchase something that was covering a good portion of her mortgage. She was building equity. It was just awesome. And you don't have to do all the stuff yourself. You just have to find the right people to do those things.
So talk to us about the emotional toll of the conversation around keep the house, sell the house, buy something else, rent. There are a lot of decisions to be made.
Amy: It's so much. It falls into a couple of big buckets for me. The first is financial. Find a great CDFA or someone who can advise you on the numbers, the dollars and cents, the expenses and the income. Can you even afford to keep the house? Because if you can't, we're not even having this conversation.
Rhonda: And can I say something there? Because I want to address how many times women hear "you can't afford it." And I ask, who's telling you that? The attorney? Your ex? Okay, we need to pause right here. We just have to get the information and crunch the numbers. Are you getting temporary support? I have clients whose attorneys suggest the husband just pays the mortgage as status quo, like he's doing her a favor. No favor. What could actually be happening is he pays her the support, she builds six months of documented income, and then she turns around and pays the mortgage herself. We are going to call BS on "you can't afford it" until we actually crunch the numbers. And how often do I actually tell someone they truly can't afford it? About 1% of the time.
Amy: Exactly. So that's the first bucket, the financial. Can you afford it? Once we figure that out, the second bucket is logistics. Are your kids in school in that town? Is the house convenient to your commute? Does it make sense for you? If you work remote and have no kids, you can live anywhere, so maybe you don't have to stay in the house.
And then the third bucket is the emotional piece, and that is often the toughest hill to climb. Particularly for women with kids, there are so many memories. We marked the kids' heights on the door frame, they played in the backyard, we had Thanksgiving in the dining room. All those things come bubbling to the surface when you're thinking, "I can't imagine not living here."
But I think there are ways to approach it. Let's say hypothetically you've outgrown this house and divorce is not in the picture. You've just decided you don't want to live here anymore. So you sell it. Those memories all still exist, but it's easier to move to that next chapter because there's not this other layer of difficulty in it. Really stepping back and acknowledging, "Yes, I've had some amazing memories here. That doesn't mean I can't also have amazing memories elsewhere."
I'm not a divorce coach or a therapist, and there are amazing people who can help you process that too. But knowing that the emotions are going to play into this is so important. And for real estate agents involved in divorce transactions: this is an emotional hurricane. There is a lot going on and you need to support your clients adequately.
Rhonda: Selling a house is emotional regardless of whether you're going through divorce. I have a close friend right now selling her home because she's moving out of state. She's an empty nester and I called her and she said, "I'm so sad." And she's not getting divorced. So there's an aspect of what the house represents, this closing of a chapter. I just want to acknowledge: it's okay to feel sad. You're probably going to feel sad.
So I love how you've simplified the buckets. Financial, logistics, and emotional. And sometimes people need something actionable to help navigate through the emotional stuff too.
Amy: If the situation is that you've got to sell this house, one thing that can help with that emotional transition is to start taking some pictures off the wall. Start making it just four walls and a roof. It's just a house. Take those memories with you. You're going to pack up those photos, that lamp from your grandmother, that little clay pot your son made in third grade. You're going to take all of that with you. The four walls and the roof are just staying empty. And that almost makes it easier to separate yourself from it.
Rhonda: And I think a lot of times parents are like, "I'm staying for the kids" or "my kids don't want me to sell." I think as parents we have an opportunity to lead through that. Acknowledge how they're feeling, but also show them that yes, life is going to change throughout periods of our lives together, and here's how we handle transition. Kids are resilient. We hear this and sometimes it's hard to believe, but they really are. And they feed off our energy. If we're feeling positive about the change, they're more likely to feel positive too.
Amy: And those are life skills, right? Our kids are going to go off to college, get married, move out of state. There are going to be times of transition. We have an opportunity to show them how it can be done in a healthy way.
Rhonda: So let's talk about communication with the soon-to-be ex. Any tips on how to best facilitate that conversation when somebody is being difficult?
Amy: Neutrality is huge. Even if spouse A is the one who brought you into the mix, being neutral and acknowledging spouse B's role is super important. You never want spouse B feeling like you're whispering to spouse A and they don't know what's going on. Being upfront and transparent with all communication is essential.
I'm a visual learner, so I always put things in writing. Even if I'm on a phone call, I will immediately follow up and say, "Just to recap our conversation, here's what we discussed. Are we on the same page?" Because otherwise, as we see in divorce, there's so much he said, she said, and it gets ugly. As the real estate agent in the mix, you want to support everyone. If selling that home is the ultimate goal, we are all working toward that same goal. We may not like each other, but we're all on the same team.
In my regular non-divorce real estate work, I get yelled at, cried at, sworn at, all the things. Because it's so emotional. Divorce is definitely the top of that pyramid. So just listen. Let those people speak their minds. It's not about you. It's about everything else going on, all the change. You are just the human being who happens to be there.
Rhonda: And I also think the other part of that is the incentive structure. The real estate agent is incentivized to get the best possible price, which benefits both parties. If a spouse is resistant and says, "I don't want to use that person because you brought the idea to the table," just remind them kindly that the industry is set up as a win-win. There is no incentive for your agent to make your house sell for less.
Amy: Exactly. At the end of the day, we all have the same goal: sell this house for as much money as possible.
Rhonda: So let's talk about hiring the right team. One of the first things in my Bridge method is breathe and build your team. The essential team covers legal, financial, and emotional support. Then there are ancillary experts depending on the situation, including real estate, mortgage, business valuation, and forensic accountants. What should people look for when vetting real estate agents?
Amy: One of the bigger pieces is that agent's ability to calmly listen and react. Divorce can get heated, and people get angry. An agent's general demeanor matters. Some agents are high strung, some are super calm. Finding someone whose nature and demeanor will help you keep a cool head throughout the transaction is number one.
Second is communication style, which I bundle together with responsiveness. If you're emailing agents to set up appointments and someone takes a couple of days to get back to you, or they're responding with unprofessional text slang, those are red flags. This is a big asset and a big deal. You need someone professional, communicative, and responsive.
Third is whether they truly understand the complexity of a divorce transaction. In a regular sale, I might show up and there's a house cleaner and a stager. In a divorce transaction, there could be multiple attorneys, a court, a judge, a mediator, a CDFA. Can this agent play well in the sandbox with all of those people? That's a tough thing to nail down, but you can ask the question and see how they respond.
Rhonda: And I'd add: set clear expectations upfront around communication. Make sure the agent is willing to include everybody on every communication, with no backdoor conversations. And on that note, I had a client who wanted to give the listing to a friend who had just started in real estate. I don't think that's a good idea. Someone new to the industry, without the life experience and emotional intelligence to handle difficult situations, is not equipped for the complexity of a divorce transaction.
Amy: More times than not, for sure. It's going to be a messy transaction. That's just the nature of it. There are going to be communication challenges and emotional layers. If you're a new agent on top of that, still figuring out which form to use and how to work a lockbox, you're not going to be able to handle the additional weight of a divorce.
Rhonda: And one more thing: once you've identified the right real estate agent, consider getting that written into the marital settlement agreement. That way when it comes time to sell, there's no question about who the agent is. We want to eliminate as many variables as possible when it comes time to execute the transaction. It takes that conversation off the table entirely.
Amy: It's taking away one more variable. We know who's going to do it, period. We don't have to have that conversation again whether it's this week, next month, or next year.
Rhonda: As we wrap up our time together, what is one word of advice or thought that you would want to leave our listeners with?
Amy: This is where I get emotional, so I'm going to try and keep it together. These women are near and dear to my heart as someone who is going through this herself. You've got this. You're going to be okay. There's a quote I love: "It'll all be okay in the end. And if it's not okay, it's not the end." There are some days that feel like you are slogging through the mud and nothing is going your way. I promise you it gets better. I promise you're going to be okay. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are strong and we will make it.
Rhonda: It gives me goosebumps. Because at the end of the day, one of the things people are most grateful for is finding great people. Heart-centered people who are doing it for the right reasons, who have your back, and who are going to advocate for you. Amy, you and I could not be more aligned in that. I'm so grateful for that. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your passion with our listeners today.
Thank you so much for listening to another episode of Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women. This episode has been sponsored by the Women's Financial Wellness Center. Check out the website at wfwcdivorce.com. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, save and share with a friend, and please leave a positive podcast review. I look forward to connecting soon.
From Disrupting Divorce: Conversations for Women: Episode 206: The Breakup Broker's Guide to Surviving Divorce Real Estate, Apr 21, 2025
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