Financial Empowerment After Divorce

What happens to the house when a marriage ends? It's one of the most loaded questions in divorce, and the answer involves a lot more than just dollars and square footage.

In this episode of Demystifying Money, host and certified financial planner Misty Lynch sits down with Amy Slate, the Breakup Broker, for a candid conversation about the intersection of heartbreak and home ownership. From the three buckets every divorcing person needs to think through, to the most common (and costly) mistakes people make when they just want it to be over, Amy brings both the practical real estate expertise and the lived experience to help people navigate one of the biggest financial decisions of their lives.

They also dig into the budgeting side: how Amy rebuilt her own financial picture after divorce, the tools she uses to stay in control, and why knowing your numbers is the first step to building the life you actually want.

Transcript:

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for joining me for this episode of Demystifying Money. Today we're going to talk about heartbreak and home ownership. I am joined by my friend Amy Slate. She is the founder of the Breakup Broker and she's a real estate professional, and we're going to talk about the things that people can do if they are experiencing a separation or a divorce — because a lot of times real estate is a big piece of the financial picture. We're going to talk about some of the tips she has for people going through this, as well as some budgeting tips for people who might be feeling a little insecure about their finances as they enter a new phase in their life. So Amy, thank you so much for joining me today.

Amy: Thanks for having me.

This episode of Demystifying Money with Misty Lynch is proudly sponsored by Sound View Financial Advisors. Visit soundviewfinancialadvisors.com to learn more.

So Amy, what led you to want to go down this path of working with people who are going through divorce? And how do you think it's a little different than other real estate professionals who maybe look at this market for the opportunity?

Amy: Sure. And yes, I think divorce, life transitions, death — all these things are opportunities for real estate agents to get listings. We're all heads on a swivel looking for opportunity, and that's great. No knock to my colleagues, but I truly feel like to work in the divorce real estate space, it's got to be near and dear to your heart. And I am super transparent and authentic, so here it all comes.

March of last year, 2024, I was surprised with a divorce. I was living in Florida at the time and I said, "Holy crap." Took some time to let the fog clear and the dust settle — packed up my life, moved back to Massachusetts, and said, "Okay, I need to rebuild my business. I'm the only paycheck. I'm paying all my bills. What is this going to look like?"

At the same time, I was in divorce support groups and Facebook groups, working with a certified divorce financial advocate, and the theme among so many women was: Do I keep the house? Do I sell the house? What's it worth? What are all my options? And I could feel the stress and the weight of that decision-making just oozing from their pores. As someone going through it myself — also working on liquidating investment properties and figuring out the family home — I was like, I do this for a living and I'm still stressed. I can only imagine what it's like for these women. And it was like an epiphany one day. I am here to support them. I know what they're going through practically, but I also understand the emotional piece, which plays such a huge role in any real estate transaction — but particularly a divorce-related one.

Misty: I think it's really important that it feels authentic for you. You can tell when someone genuinely empathizes with you. And I think that's where a lot of great businesses are built — when there's a gap, when people aren't sure who the right person is or what their best interests are. So I'm glad you're doing that. But I'd love to hear — financially, the family home is not just practical. It's a very emotional property. And interest rates have made it very difficult for people to just go find an affordable home when they may have been locked into a 3% mortgage with their ex. What are some of the things you see from a real estate perspective that people really need to look at differently?

Amy: I think there are three big buckets. The first is the money piece — the value of the home, how much equity is in it, the interest rate, who can afford to buy the other one out, all the actual dollars and cents of it. Then there's the logistics — do you have kids in a school district you need to stay in? Is it convenient to your work? If you had to move miles away, how does that impact your daily life? And then the third bucket, which I don't think all real estate agents are well versed in, is the actual emotional piece. I've had some tough conversations with women where, from a practicality standpoint, you don't have kids in school and you can't afford to keep the house. I know you've built memories and marked your kids' heights on the door frames — I get all that — but let's step back and talk about some practical stuff. Not dismissing those emotions, because they are there and they are on fire, but managing them, addressing them, processing them. I'm not a therapist or a divorce coach, but I've been through it. I've processed the grief and the unknowns, and I can talk you through it.

Misty: You can't ignore any of those buckets. And it is hard when you're reading the label from inside the bottle — it's you and your brain and your feelings. Having somebody like you to help say, "These are the things we have to think about, and where we can't get 100% of each perfect, we can figure out what that next thing will be." So what are the biggest emotional hurdles you're seeing when people are making real estate decisions after a breakup?

Amy: It's 99% of the time related to kids. Couples without children — yes, there are memories, but you can pack those in a box and take them with you. It's different from "I remember my kids playing in the backyard on the swing set." Those are much more gut-wrenching emotions when children are involved. For so many women, it's not wanting to upset their kids any more than they already feel like they are. Somebody's not going to be living in the home, or nobody is, and changing that environment for the kids is really where the stress comes in.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's pretend you're not getting a divorce — you just decided this house is too small and you're moving. You're still going to leave those memories behind, and it's going to be a little bit easier, but you're still going to do it. The difference is that this was a choice forced upon you rather than one you made. So getting around that mindset — this is happening to me, for me, around me — and really thinking about: that's a chapter. What's my next chapter going to look like? How do I make it just as amazing for my kids, or for myself?

Misty: Families move all the time for all kinds of reasons. And sometimes people forget how resilient kids can be. There's also a risk and reward to everything here. If you try to stay in the family home to preserve memories, but you truly can't afford it — you might have to work longer, sacrifice vacations, not be able to do the things you want to do for your kids financially. We have to look at both sides.

And I think another thing — not always popular in the real estate agent world — is that sometimes it's okay to go rent an apartment.

Amy: 100%. And I get paid when someone buys or sells a home, but if based on your situation I think you should go rent for a year, that's what I'm going to recommend. I don't make anything off that, but I believe in doing what is best for the client. If that's getting an apartment, getting your life back together, and then figuring out your next move — that's what we're going to do. It's not about getting two commissions. It's really about what is best for that client at that point in their life.

Misty: As a certified financial planner and fiduciary, I have to make decisions in the best interest of the client too. Sometimes the right thing is to have a healthy savings account ready to go because of job insecurity or divorce — even when other options might be more lucrative for the firm. Maybe renting means you have a nicer place in the location you want without buying at the top of your budget. Looking at everything and thinking about what actually makes sense right now — because home ownership can be very expensive, especially on your own.

So from your perspective, when somebody is newly separated, how do they begin to assess their assets — what they could sell, what they should be doing?

Amy: I always trust the professionals. I am savvy and smart and it was even my part of the relationship — and there were still so many parts and pieces where I was like, what is happening? So I always recommend getting a quality attorney who can walk you through your assets. And depending on your financial picture, a certified divorce financial advocate whose job is to drill down on equitable distribution, stock options, RSUs — all the things I could Google all day long but that aren't what I do for a living. Bring in a professional for those pieces.

But also take the time to get your head around all the accounts, the balances, the outgoing expenses. If you weren't paying the bills and you just trusted your spouse to handle it — take some time to familiarize yourself. It sucks because you're already a ball of nerves doing paperwork and talking to attorneys, but the more knowledge you have, the more powerful you're going to be going in and coming out the other side.

Misty: That leads me to the next question — what are some of the common mistakes people make early post-breakup?

Amy: I think it's a lack of knowledge, it's emotional, and it's misguided trust. I'm just as guilty. In the beginning it was, "We don't need attorneys. We can be amicable. This is all going to work out." Let me tell you — it was not amicable and it is still not working out. Assets I didn't know about were uncovered. I think the instinct of "I just want to be done, let's just make this easy" is so understandable. But don't take the first offer on the table. I've heard of a spouse saying, "Here's $50,000 — I'll buy you out of the house that's worth a million." Those numbers don't make sense. There's such a strong urge to just have it done, but you deserve so much more.

So many women have worked so hard to build these lives — done so much so that their spouse could build careers and empires — to then just be handed $50,000 and told "have a nice life." No. The most patient person usually wins in a negotiation. And I think there's a lot of pressure during a breakup — "the kids are so upset, you're making this harder, you should just do this." That can be very manipulative and very effective. That's where third parties — planners, lawyers, advocates — can be so helpful. Financially, this isn't something you can really do over if you get it wrong. Be patient, get the right help, and advocate for yourself.

Misty: What are some real estate red flags people should watch out for during a divorce?

Amy: If it's a buyout, watch out for the cheap and easy "I'll just give you this amount and you be on your way." Get an expert to give you a valuation of that property. Don't trust what one spouse finds on Zillow. Get a real estate agent or a third-party appraiser to come in and look at your actual house — because Zillow is working off square footage, bedrooms, bathrooms, and what things have sold nearby. They don't know if the house down the street has a beautiful marble kitchen and yours has linoleum from the '70s. If one spouse says it's worth $300,000, here's $150,000 — have a nice life — but the reality is it's worth a million, you've just lost $350,000. Accurate data and professionals providing that information is huge.

The other red flag I've heard about recently is when both spouses have agreed on paper that the house has to be sold, but one of them doesn't actually want to sell — so they're sabotaging showings, not keeping the place clean, not allowing the agent to schedule. And as the agent, you have to call that out. It feels like throwing someone under the bus, but they've hired you to do a job and someone is impeding your ability to do it. The quick and uninformed decision is really the biggest one for me overall.

Misty: Our brains are wired to avoid pain and find shortcuts. But the due diligence really matters. I've worked with women who are a year or two out of a divorce, planning for their own retirement, buying their own home, creating really nice lives. It might not feel that way when you're in the middle of it, but if you're patient and you advocate for yourself — that is going to matter in the long run.

What do you wish more real estate agents understood about working with people going through a divorce?

Amy: The emotional piece. I'm an introvert and I'm empathic, so I'm always listening and tuned into people's emotions even in run-of-the-mill real estate transactions. A lot of agents are good at managing stress and emotion during a standard transaction. They don't necessarily understand the really heightened "oh my god, my world is turned upside down" emotion involved in a divorce.

There are going to be clients who call and cry and it has nothing to do with the job you're doing. It has to do with the fact that the other spouse said something that morning and now you're calling to schedule a showing and they just lose it — because it's an emotional roller coaster. There are days as a divorcing person you think you're fine and then something tips the scales and you are an emotional basket case. Being prepared for any sort of emotion — excitement, sadness, anger — and handling it with kid gloves and a level of sensitivity that you don't necessarily need for other transactions is the biggest thing.

Misty: What do you do when people feel stuck and afraid to make any decisions at all?

Amy: It's a lot about not rushing them and not pressuring them. There's moving slowly and then there's not moving at all — we need to keep moving forward, but it can be slow. Unless you can't make next month's mortgage payment, we can take a pause. I'm here to listen, talk, and sympathize. And I also think about taking as much of the burden off of them as possible.

There's a study I read recently — I can't quote it exactly — but women particularly during divorce have a diminished cognitive ability. They literally aren't firing on all cylinders because of the traumatic things happening. So you're already not at 100%, and then I'm asking you to sign paperwork, pack boxes, and clean the house. I can't take away your sadness about giving up this home, but I can help you pack, I can get a cleaner in there, I can do a lot of the things that are just too much right now. And I think being tuned into that — not even waiting for the person to ask because they don't always know what they need — and just offering it up. "I've got a great cleaner. She'll be in here on Tuesday. You don't need to worry about it."

Misty: I know you're also a financially literate person — you've explored the FIRE movement, you're somebody who takes budgeting seriously. Can you talk about some of the things you've done for your own financial empowerment going through this that might help others?

Amy: You really have to get a handle on your numbers — your incoming and your outgoing every month. My ex-husband did very well, and I didn't have to worry about making three trips to Target in a week. Now I've got rent, student loan payments, all these things coming out of a smaller bucket. Just having a handle on how much I spent at Starbucks last month — that's my weakness — and maybe dialing it back. I'm not advocating for total deprivation, but knowing how much comes in, how much goes out, what you're spending it on, and whether you need all those streaming services.

Monarch Money is what I use to track everything, and I just feel empowered and in control when I can see — there's my commission, there's my rental income, my car expenses have been consistent, or oh, I've clearly been going to Whole Foods instead of Trader Joe's and my grocery bill is way up. Where can we make some adjustments? Because I really want to go on vacation. Building the life you love and the life you deserve starts with knowing what you've got.

Misty: That's so important. The divorce process kind of forces you to look at all your assets, but when it comes to your budget and spending — those are things you control directly. It's not about cutting everything you enjoy. It's about: am I paying for five streaming services I don't need? What are my goals? Because that's when we start to make progress — even if it's slow — toward those goals. And I think especially in the beginning of divorce there's just so much unknown. But then at some point it's just you, three accounts, two credit cards. Your life is simplified. You are in control of every dollar that comes in and goes out. You can set goals. You can be excited about what you're saving for.

So thank you so much, Amy. How can people find you?

Amy: I'm a good time on Instagram at @theAmySlate. I drink a lot of coffee, I meditate, cuddle with my cats, and show a lot of houses. I'm super authentic — what you see is what you get. And if you're going through a separation or divorce and I can help in any way, thebreakupbroker.com is where you can find me.

Misty: Thank you so much. I think this is such a wonderful area to serve, and there are going to be a lot of people helped by this. If you're somebody looking to get your financial plans or investments in order, I'd love to talk to you as well. Head over to mistylynch.com — you'll find links to Sound View Financial Advisors, a copy of my book, and other episodes. Thank you all so much for listening, and together let's demystify the world of money. Knowledge is the key to financial empowerment.